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Loser

lolllll I can be such a loser sometimes :) But I can live with it. It's my way of letting him go. I sent him Replay, through bookcrossing. I know it's stupid but honestly I don't care. I have to deal with this my own way. Whatever happens, happens. I won't lie to myself anymore, I won't let things go to please other people. And after all the emotions I've gone through in the last three months, I want to decide how it ends for me. I just hate unfinished business. And I want the last word, just because that's the way I am.

He might freak, or think I've gone psycho, or be disapointed in me, or pissed for not leaving him alone. Don't care. I've tiptoed around his feelings enough. I'm not vindictive, but the way he left really hurt me. Is it so bad if I want to tell him? I don't see why he gets to decide all on his own. Fuck that. It appears that I have to move on, so this is what I need to do.

I'm getting better. The void gets smaller every day. The worst is all the images and physical memories. It was such an experience. And I was so ready for this at this point in my life. I have to be thankful for that.

I also understand that this is not all about me. I'm sure he went through a hard time too after we met. I just wish he'd been weaker and lost the battle against his demons. I know that's a mean thing to say, but fuck man, seriously... All kinds of stupid analogies come to my mind right now.

Bottom line is, I still want his cock... very badly.

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