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My winter of discontent*

I was walking towards my car in the Home Depot parking lot. I had to buy a few things but walked out emtpy handed. I couldn't make up my mind, didn't like anything. I opened the car door, sat in, closed the door. The biggest sigh of my life came out of me like an elephant falling on its side. I looked outside, at the empty carts, the parked cars, the drizzle on the windshield.

-I'm tired of this fucking life. Sick and tired of it all.

Outloud, like that, it came out. No intonation, no emotion. Just a statement that needed to be said. Outloud.

I put the key in the ignition, started the car and pulled out of the parking space. Drove. Stopped at Blockbuster and got Halloween, From dusk till dawn and Ferris Buller's day off. Drove some more, past my house, around the block, back to my house. Parked. Got out. Walked in.

Got on with my life.

It's spring now.

*title credit: Jeliel


Carmo said…
hey there, I know exactly how you feel. It's been one of those days...
Reading your blogs is sometimes downright therapeutic. Just hang in there. Like I often say in my moments of big black hole of suck... something's gotta give
Stephaine said…
I watched Halloween Friday night. That is one of my all time favorites. Frankly, I think Michael was just misunderstood.

Life goes on. Just don't let the something that gives, be you.
swan_pr said…
carmo: day's over, get that Rock Star and enjoy the warm weather :)

jeliel: it does feel good to say things outloud, makes it real, or takes the drama out of it. I agree, something....

stephaine: if only they let him be! thank you for your words :)
kono said…
haha, i've done exactly that. and many times.

past my house, around the block, up my driveway...sigh.

turn off the car. sit for a moment. and open the door.

hang in there.

swan_pr said…
kono: yes, a few minutes more, a few moments between the worlds :) thanks.
Chris said…
I despised when I went through times like that, so I can empathize with you.

I don't know what all the problems and worries are, but regardless, we are here, listening to your words, your thoughts, and your heart.

Hang in there Swan!

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swan_pr said…
thank you chris. as removed and remote from my everyday life this space is, and as much as I try not to be dependent on being read, words such as yours, from my visitors do mean a lot. because I'm not judged here I know they are honest, and I give them importance and try to learn from them.