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Fear… less than. More though. An equation for sure.

I said I suck at maths and it's true. So for me, one plus one, that doesn't always equal 2. Eventually yes. With time, understanding the mechanics that led me to the wrong answer, yes, it can make 2.

One. And one. If the ones are the same, then two is a big fat pile of whatever one is. I thought my main equation included shit. Turns out it was fear. At this point. Right now. 

Yes it's all about focus. Yes it is the test. (don't you hate always being right?) Focus on the smallest of actions. That is fearsome. Focus on the big picture is the easiest thing. The shit happened when I overlooked the moment. The shit that I always put in the equation was in fact the result of it. Fear and fear. Add them up. See what happens.

Gut wrenching fear, a moment when I thought I was actually going to loose my mind. My mind. Not in the metaphorical sense. Real. Faced with the small actions I didn't focus on, because the big picture was much more important. I thought.

Gut wrenching fear. Of looking at myself. And understanding. I wasn't overthinking. I was drowning the noise of my actions in the very comfortable bed of words that is my blog. I have made a trip to earth. And discovered I hadn't lived there in a while. Writing. Like drinking, downing pills, smoking. Just battling the noise.

Gut wrenching fear. That in all my selfconsciousness, my search for peace of mind, my clever thoughts, my claims to being a loner, I forgot about being human. I am paying the price right now.

I might never be the same again. I might remain the same forever. I know that I will have, for once, at last, finally understood what this means. The moment. The focus.

And I might also forget this feeling I have right now. Or I might pretend that I don't care too much. So before it all goes away, before I choke on my words, I want to say this:

I love you.

Every single one of you. I mean it and say it without fear. 

 

Comments

DAVE said…
We are here with you and we love you also.
swan_pr said…
not for thanks, I know. but this is my space after all. so thanks.
j-julie said…
"I was drowning the noise of my actions in the very comfortable bed of words that is my blog". Une vérité, une thérapie, un soutient à une évasion, le temps d'assumer sa décision, celle qu'on repousse inutilement, celle qui nous rejoindra inévitablement au prochain tournant. Tu as choisi ce que je pense? Bonne chance alors dans ce nouveau départ. Et je te le dis, te le répète, je suis là, bien vivante chez moi, toujours souriante pour toi, pour accueillir ce qui s'est créé ici, pour pousuivre ce que tu as réveillé en moi aussi.
swan_pr said…
merci julie. je n'ai pas pris de décision. pas pu. tout à été décidé, s'est jeté sur moi et m'a terassé. mais je suis à nouveau debout. merci encore.