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Drawn maps

I would like to forget. Forget when, why.  Forget who I've become. The paths I've taken. But these paths, these choices are forever sculpted in my flesh. Not really a burden, as they bear no weight. Rather a basso-rilievo, a map drawn on crumpled paper. No way to forget. Only to look back and understand. Try to.

There is no big red arrow telling me "you are here", but I have a good idea of where I'm standing. It's the now that bothers me. The then is where it belongs, in the past. The now doesn't take me anywhere, it grounds me. Why is it that we always either look back or ahead? Why is it that the now get so little of our attention? 

Often I will say "we always have a choice". And even though I believe this to be absolutely true, I've come to despise its meaning. It's not about regret for making a certain choice. It's about looking back and seeing how these choices lead me here. It's not about the big one, the one at the end of a long road, but about the smaller ones, the many that we face and make in a split second. The ones we think inconsequential.

Hindsight is a bitch.

 

Comments

Pourquoi_moi? said…
'Hindsight is a bitch'

So true, so true...

The past, the present, and the future... They're all linked, and one can't exist without the other dimensions.

You, me and everybody else have a past that define our present. I still remember vividly some stupid stuff I did 20, 30 and even 40 years ago. I'm sure I'm the only one, that stuff was so inconsequential. But it contributed in big ways to who I am today.

The paths, the choices we've made are what made us. To forget is not allowed: we would loose our soul in the process.

But how can we reach the future (and our hopes) without the now? In the same time, as soon as the now is passed, it becomes the past.

Sometimes I see a big tree: it's roots are our past, our experiences, grounding us firmly in the (or at least our) reality. The branches are the paths not yet taken, an universe of potential and possibilities, with the sky as the limit. And the trunk is the now, where the future is transformed in the past, hopefully allowing one to grow in the process...

Dunno if I made sense...
swan_pr said…
perfect sense. I love that analogy. that may be why I sometimes feel like a bonzai tree... cut short, but fully grown at the same time. enough pruning already. I want my branches to reach further. how are yours? growing?
Pourquoi_moi? said…
They're just awakening after a very very long winter.

They're eager to feel the warmth of the sun again.

They're resting right now, patching the holes with fresh scars, starting to look outward, not yet daring to grow.

But they will, now that there are so many roots...
j-julie said…
Bitch, I feel like I am the bitch right now more often than ever before and it makes me smile :)