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I just didn't want to to this tonight. Didn't have the energy. Inspiration is always there though, at the tip of your words.


As I think about what I've been writing here since the beginning, the changes, the stories, fictional and not so fictional, I realize that everything was a premise for what is to come. A kind of rain check on the inevitable, a silent yet violent therapy.

I haven't lived my life through my blog, rather, I lived because of it. Or resuscitated. Which ever it is, nothing else could've prepared me better. Will I ever be ready is another question. I guess not. Never.

I'm feeling the physical effects of the extreme emotional stress I've been under and it scares me. That alone should be enough warning. 

Also, denying myself of all the love I need to give and receive has made me a very bitter and angry person, and I don't like to hang around too long in my head these days. I miss that.

Despite what everyone has been telling me, I still cannot convince myself that I deserve, that I am worthy, that I am allowed. To. Anything.

It would be easy to blame. To point fingers. But I refuse to do that. In the process though, I have to fucking stop scourging myself. And just move on. Move the fuck on.

The ground has never been shakier. Yet, I'm willing to make one more step. And another one. And another one. 



pourquoi moi? said…
Why wouln't you be worthy? Why would anybody be not worthy? Why woundn't anybody be allowed? Why wouldn'ty be allowed?

You alone know the answers. You alone can choose to do it... or not.

And any road is walked but one step at a time.
tony said…
tu y es presque
la lutte est partout en tout
sans trêve

lâche pas, swan
swan_pr said…
aujourd'hui, j'y suis. j'y suis arrivée. merci beaucoup.