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Showing posts from July, 2012

With a little effort

  
  
With a little effort, I think I could even see poetry in things like I used to.

J'avais des rêves, ce que je ne m'étais pas permis pendant des années. Pour finalement les voir étouffés, écrasés, effacés, oubliés.

Cachés

Dreams and poetry. Pour adoucir les aspérités, éclairer les noirceurs de mon esprit.

Like a tall glass of cool water on a sad day.

 
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1iVA5JuLVw?rel=0&w=480&h=360]
  
  

[not really] sorry

  
  
(I feel like I should be apologizing but at the same time I don't want to)

I'm sorry, but not really you know? Sorry to have put this up here, but here is mine after all.

Fak, anyway. Je me sens tellement bien aujourd'hui. Pour une vraie fois. Comme si j'avais gardé un sac à vidanges plein dans la maison pendant trop longtemps et que je me décidais enfin à le mettre au chemin. I really enjoyed the click at the end of the call.

I feel fantastic! L'appart avance, et dans moins de six semaines je serai sur un avion en direction de Paris. What exactly am I complaining about? :)
  
  

Lots of fucks and no more to give

  
  
Yeah, we all need someone we can bleed on
Yeah, and if you want it, baby, well you can bleed on me
Yeah, we all need someone we can bleed on
Yeah, yeah, and if you want it, baby, why don'cha bleed on me
All over

ALL OVER

ALL OVER

Come on. Try me. Fuckhead. (A person of shitty intelligence and/or judgment)

Fuck you and your silences. Fuck you and stupid and jealous girlfriend. Fuck you and your infinite interest in yourself.

But mostly, fuck me and my stupid hope that there is good in everyone. That within your heart lies empathy. Understanding. Sensibility. Friendship.

FEARLESSNESS.

Isn't there anyone, ANYONE, who is not afraid of me? Please tell me, I'd love to know. I won't change I know that much. But surely to know would make things easier no? I don't know. I just know this fact, this thing. I scare. I'm sorry. No I'm not. I'm mostly sorry for knowing but not being able to not do it. And yet, I can be so nice, so sweet... If you only knew.

But I will never show you as long as you're being such an asshole.

And that goes for everyone that has let me down. I will remember you. I' m done with forgiving. Understanding. Being sensible.

This is a shitty post I know. I'm sorry to all the nice people/friends that come across it. But if the shoe fits, put it on and run the fuck out of here. I'm done with you*.

*Just to make sure, I'll let you know in person too. Because that's what I do/am.

 
http://youtu.be/GNTH9zmleBE
  
  

Carl Jung has got something on me

  
  
This one had this theory that I was insane. That I was defective. That something in my head did not work properly. And because of that I was driving him insane. My reaction whenever he brought it up ranged from indifference to anger, sometimes dancing on uncertainty when I was feeling more vulnerable. Indifference when I though he was just trying to get to me, anger when he was clearly trying to hurt me. Because serioulsy, you want to hurt me, go for my brain, it’s a sure shot.

This other one felt intimidated to the point of exploding rages and long rants about how I played with his head, about how I was placating him with words to confuse and belittle him and how I was a calculating heartless cunt. You can add that to the list. Brain, heart. I’m down for the count.

That one never uttered the words, but I know the signs now. I’ll fade away before anything comes out of his mouth. Some might call it retreat. I call it survival.

*****************

I have always felt different in my head. All my life, from my fist memories, I always new my difference was not only in my personality, but that it went much further. It can be a heavy burden. There are times I feel trapped, I feel like a prisoner of my thoughts. But of course I can’t help thinking the way I do. I considered therapy often (when it was not heavily suggested to me by one of the hims), but each time I tried, I felt like it was such a fucking waste of time I never went further than one session on a few occasions. I know this will sound incredibly pretentious, but fuck it, I’ll say it. I never felt they would understand me. The feeling I got after that one hour shitchat was one of extreme loneliness and isolation.

*****************
Something strange and extraordinary happened the other day. Through an exchange on my friend Dave’s Facebook wall about introverts and extroverts, a friend suggested we did a little personality test. I KNOW. SHUT UP for a minute ok? Listen. I know it sounds stupid, futile, childish, I don’t care. Because for the very first time in my life, I found something, some kind of explanation that made sense. I did the test and was amused by the results. So I read a little further about what they meant. And this is what happened, this is what I learned:

INTPs are one of the rarest of personality types, only accounting for about 3–5% of the population.

And this, this is what gave me the greatest shock, for I never understood this about myself, but only felt the consequences of the mechanics of my brain:

INTPs are driven to understand a discussion from all relevant angles. Their impatience with seemingly indefensible ideas can make them particularly devastating at debate. When INTPs feel insulted, they may respond with sudden, cutting criticism. After such an incident, INTPs are likely to be as bewildered as the recipient. They have broken the rules of debate and exposed their raw emotions. To INTPs, this is the crux of the problem: improperly handled emotions, INTPs believe, can only harm. While INTPs experience emotions as an important part of their internal lives, and sometimes share their emotions with others, INTPs nevertheless believe that emotions must not play a role in logical discussions, or be expressed in a way that would put themselves at disadvantage.

I’m not saying that a 10 minute personality test and a wiki page changed my life. But somehow, since that night, I’ve felt a freedom in my thought process, like a weight was lifted, of maybe more accurately a veil of some kind. If that test was wrong so be it. I can live with that. The only thing that matters really, is that I can now articulate, in thought, my reactions and interactions. I understand where it comes from. I’ll never be anything else than what I am. It might not validate everything about me, but it sure helps.